When Back to School Becomes a Battleground

It is that time of the year already – back to school! As a family law attorney and mom of four, I get it. The middle of August is always an interesting time for families. There is a lot to do to prepare kids for going back to school. School shopping, open houses, and bedtime schedules are all breeding grounds for conflict when you are in a difficult co-parenting situation. It is an exciting time, too – a fresh start.

Here are some tips for going back to school if your ex-spouse is high conflict:

Homework and School Information

High-conflict spouses love to be the gatekeeper of information. Get ahead of this early. Without pulling your child’s teacher into any conflict, reach out and see if it is possible to get all handouts and information sent home with your child by e-mail. Figure out how you can monitor your child’s educational progress independently without relying on the other parent for updates. Make sure you are on the school’s mailing lists, and your information is up to date in your child’s school profile.

School Supplies

Ahh, the dreaded school supply debate. The “I already bought them a backpack” comment. The “I didn’t authorize those purchases, so I don’t feel I need to contribute” argument. This is how I tell my clients to handle it (and really all other expense reimbursement requests):

• Follow the terms of your Order. Pay attention to any spending caps that require authorization. Keep your receipts and send copies with reimbursement requests to the other parent timely.
• Document the expense on a spreadsheet. Keep a log of all the expense reimbursement requests you make in a spreadsheet. Note the date the request was made, how and when the request was made, the amount, and how much the other parent contributed to the expense. Once the other parent owes a good deal of money, you can use this spreadsheet to enforce the terms of your Order and collect.
• Choose your battles. Decide what school supply hill you are willing to die on. For example, both parents buy a new backpack. Is it most important that your child has the backpack you purchased for them or that your child has a backpack? So long as your child has what they need, it probably doesn’t matter which parent purchased it.

Don’t Let Them

Your kids are only little once. You only get one first day of kindergarten. You only see your child drive off to high school for the first time once. Don’t let your coparent ruin that experience for you or your child. Don’t let them distract you with last minute requests for information, hostile communication, or awkward run-ins in the school parking lot. Just remember – you don’t have to respond; you don’t have to engage. You don’t have to let your high-conflict coparent make the first day of school about them. You have the power to be present with your child and have a great back to school experience right along with them. Do that instead.

Our office hopes you all have a wonderful start to the school year!